I swear, I have the attention span of a worm with a mental condition and a concussion (I don't think that's even possible...) And I've been eating non-stop since I got home. Know where I went? A restaurant. Life's ironic.
I haven't blogged in awhile. To all my readers, most of whom don't exist: Hi. That's all I got at the moment.
I'm leaving in about 37 hours to go to D.C. Monday afternoon at 3:45. And I wish that I wouldn't let everything catch up to me. "Make the best of what you have, Hannah." That's what I keep telling myself. So why am I still letting myself get overwhelmed? Why am I not the amazing person that everyone thinks I am? I'm human and I guess I should embrace it.
An old friend from high school just told me that he always wanted to ask me out, but always thought he'd be rejected. No one ever asked me out in high school. And now I have too much going on in my "love" live (funny name, at the moment) to even begin to want to bring someone into it. Timing is everything nowadays.
I think I'm going to go to sleep. I hope I can enjoy it. I've been thinking too much.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I know who ate all the crackers...
So, I'm making the best of my less-than-perfect situation. Mainly because my situation is never perfect. And realizing this is the first step in my "Get over your idealism" one-person seminar.
Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I have no money. And when I say none, I'm exaggerating beyond belief but not really because I only have about $100 in the bank. But I can't be more specific than that. What's a girl to do for Christmas presents?
"I. O. U's" and lots of them.
And I'm the one who ate all the crackers. I owe my roommate four boxes.
Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I have no money. And when I say none, I'm exaggerating beyond belief but not really because I only have about $100 in the bank. But I can't be more specific than that. What's a girl to do for Christmas presents?
"I. O. U's" and lots of them.
And I'm the one who ate all the crackers. I owe my roommate four boxes.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Handcuffed to dumb thoughts
Thanks to Manswers, I just learned to break out of handcuffs... and that it's virtually impossibly to burst boob implants.
Oh, the litany of occasionally useful information. I have the urge to buy a fake tata and play hot potato with it now... though I doubt I'd ever find a partner who'd be terribly interested in something like that. But hey, I'm an optimist.
So anyhoob, I dropped a class so now I'm down to 12 hours. I know, irresponsible. But it's better than failing. I'll have to make up for it next semester and during the summer. And working... all the time. Everything's okay, though, for the most part.
Although, human interactions have me frazzled. My FWB (for those of you who can't figure out what that is, then crawl out from under your rock and google it) has me running in circles. I don't pretend to want anything more than what we have. He's my friend and I care a lot about him. But that's because he's been my friend a lot longer than we've ever... done... anything.
And we're far from exclusive. And I don't get jealous, I'm just worried about my health, so I don't do the proverbial homerun deal. The fact that he respects that speaks volumes and I appreciate it. But I don't think I want more than what it is. And he's scaring me into thinking that maybe he does. But I could be wrong. I could be reading into it too much because I'm far from perfect. I just hate hurting people.
Did you know that almost all handcuff manufacturers use the same key? I mean, is that not stupid? Any moron can walk into a gunshop and buy one and carry it around in their pocket. Big business is comprised of dumbasses.
Thank God their not running the government!
*cough*
Oh, the litany of occasionally useful information. I have the urge to buy a fake tata and play hot potato with it now... though I doubt I'd ever find a partner who'd be terribly interested in something like that. But hey, I'm an optimist.
So anyhoob, I dropped a class so now I'm down to 12 hours. I know, irresponsible. But it's better than failing. I'll have to make up for it next semester and during the summer. And working... all the time. Everything's okay, though, for the most part.
Although, human interactions have me frazzled. My FWB (for those of you who can't figure out what that is, then crawl out from under your rock and google it) has me running in circles. I don't pretend to want anything more than what we have. He's my friend and I care a lot about him. But that's because he's been my friend a lot longer than we've ever... done... anything.
And we're far from exclusive. And I don't get jealous, I'm just worried about my health, so I don't do the proverbial homerun deal. The fact that he respects that speaks volumes and I appreciate it. But I don't think I want more than what it is. And he's scaring me into thinking that maybe he does. But I could be wrong. I could be reading into it too much because I'm far from perfect. I just hate hurting people.
Did you know that almost all handcuff manufacturers use the same key? I mean, is that not stupid? Any moron can walk into a gunshop and buy one and carry it around in their pocket. Big business is comprised of dumbasses.
Thank God their not running the government!
*cough*
Friday, June 29, 2007
Accidents happen... to me.
So I had a slight car wreck this morning on the way to work. Needless to say... I ended up not going in.
My car is fine, the other lady is fine, her car is not, and I'm not. At least not mentally. I was a blubbering mess on the phone with Mom, telling her what happened and that I was sorry.
Stupid. I'm so freaking stupid. My insurance is now going to have to check my driving record. And see the tickets on my record. That on top of the accident. The premium is going to go through the roof. So basically, I'm screwed.
And my family situation sucks. Bottom line.
It's a long complicated story. But Dad's not talking to my brother, stepmom is not talking to me OR my brother, stepsister is not talking to me or my brother, stepbrother is not talking to my brother and probably not me. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him. So in a few short weeks, my brother, his girlfriend, and I have become an object of despise for my dad and his wife and family.
Bah bah, black sheep. That's us.
And I miss my mom. I just want her to be here so she can cradle me on her couch and let me cry for a few hours. It sounds childish, I know and I don't care. I want my mommy.
I'm so spent. I can't even move an inch right now I'm so drained. I have gotten 3 tickets in the past 2 days and an accident. And then I'm mad at Dad and he's mad at my brother and the circle starts all over again.
We're his kids. He's so infuriating.
I need a valium. Heroin. Something.
Maybe some horse tranquilizers.
I'm going back to sleep.
My car is fine, the other lady is fine, her car is not, and I'm not. At least not mentally. I was a blubbering mess on the phone with Mom, telling her what happened and that I was sorry.
Stupid. I'm so freaking stupid. My insurance is now going to have to check my driving record. And see the tickets on my record. That on top of the accident. The premium is going to go through the roof. So basically, I'm screwed.
And my family situation sucks. Bottom line.
It's a long complicated story. But Dad's not talking to my brother, stepmom is not talking to me OR my brother, stepsister is not talking to me or my brother, stepbrother is not talking to my brother and probably not me. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him. So in a few short weeks, my brother, his girlfriend, and I have become an object of despise for my dad and his wife and family.
Bah bah, black sheep. That's us.
And I miss my mom. I just want her to be here so she can cradle me on her couch and let me cry for a few hours. It sounds childish, I know and I don't care. I want my mommy.
I'm so spent. I can't even move an inch right now I'm so drained. I have gotten 3 tickets in the past 2 days and an accident. And then I'm mad at Dad and he's mad at my brother and the circle starts all over again.
We're his kids. He's so infuriating.
I need a valium. Heroin. Something.
Maybe some horse tranquilizers.
I'm going back to sleep.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Human psyche doesn't speak up
Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if no one had secrets?
I mean, think about it. Everyone would know EVERYTHING. Nothing would be taboo. Everyone would walk around naked (Old people included so think harder before you get excited). And everyone would have the ability to access any information they wanted.
What if the human race didn't have a thing called secrets?
The mystery would go out of life. That's for sure. Secrets are most like a defense mechanism. You have them so you're not completely vulnerable. Judgment is ultimately every humans fear.
And it seems dumb but as I think about it, a bajillion things pop into my head that I would never be able to tell another human being. And most of them deal with my feelings towards other people, usually romantic feelings towards men. It's strange. It seems that is the one area of my life that I'm afraid of judgment.
I'm crazy. Everyone knows that. It's not a secret. But there are so many layers to dig through. You couldn't find all of me in one conversation. There's so much that I get lost digging myself.
I'm usually okay. I wouldn't say that I'm happy but I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. Although I get that way when I'm by myself. I say that I think too much. But that's not really the problem. I think of too many problems that I don't have a solution too. It's crazy.
I have work to do tomorrow. I've got to get a few articles finished for the school newspaper. Shouldn't be too hard.
I've also realized that this blog is like my emotion dump. I'm am only aware of 1 person that ever reads these without me showing them. It's weird. I can say "FUCK YO MAMA" to my best friend and they'd never know. But I'd never do that.
So this blog is pretty much free terrain. I could post anything I wanted in it and not really worry about someone I'm close to seeing it. But I even have secrets from this blog. This blog would never see my innermost layer. Just like most humans wouldn't.
And it's weird. That I have that one restraint knowing that even if just one person read these, I could be judged. And so I refrain just that much more. That's why I'm always so vague. So you know how I feel but you have absolutely no details. All one of you that reads these.
The psyche is so confusing. Even to its owner.
It's upliftingly bizarre.
I mean, think about it. Everyone would know EVERYTHING. Nothing would be taboo. Everyone would walk around naked (Old people included so think harder before you get excited). And everyone would have the ability to access any information they wanted.
What if the human race didn't have a thing called secrets?
The mystery would go out of life. That's for sure. Secrets are most like a defense mechanism. You have them so you're not completely vulnerable. Judgment is ultimately every humans fear.
And it seems dumb but as I think about it, a bajillion things pop into my head that I would never be able to tell another human being. And most of them deal with my feelings towards other people, usually romantic feelings towards men. It's strange. It seems that is the one area of my life that I'm afraid of judgment.
I'm crazy. Everyone knows that. It's not a secret. But there are so many layers to dig through. You couldn't find all of me in one conversation. There's so much that I get lost digging myself.
I'm usually okay. I wouldn't say that I'm happy but I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. Although I get that way when I'm by myself. I say that I think too much. But that's not really the problem. I think of too many problems that I don't have a solution too. It's crazy.
I have work to do tomorrow. I've got to get a few articles finished for the school newspaper. Shouldn't be too hard.
I've also realized that this blog is like my emotion dump. I'm am only aware of 1 person that ever reads these without me showing them. It's weird. I can say "FUCK YO MAMA" to my best friend and they'd never know. But I'd never do that.
So this blog is pretty much free terrain. I could post anything I wanted in it and not really worry about someone I'm close to seeing it. But I even have secrets from this blog. This blog would never see my innermost layer. Just like most humans wouldn't.
And it's weird. That I have that one restraint knowing that even if just one person read these, I could be judged. And so I refrain just that much more. That's why I'm always so vague. So you know how I feel but you have absolutely no details. All one of you that reads these.
The psyche is so confusing. Even to its owner.
It's upliftingly bizarre.
Friday, June 22, 2007
I'm going to take a sec to be your typical female...
And complain about guys. Usually, I'm pretty understanding. But Jesus Christ, some guys are just stupid. And I don't understand stupid people so I guess I don't get guys. I do, but these are some real winners.
First of all, I was interested. You were really nice and I'm sorry I had to leave. Plus you never asked me out to begin with. You just told me you had a good time and that we should do it again. I said "Yeah! That would be great!" That should tell YOU that I would have been interested, yeah? So I leave for a few weeks and you keep myspacing me. That's cool, whatever. I figured if you were still interested when I got home, you'd ask or something. Instead you start actually dating someone else and THEN you ask my brother to go on a double date with you with him and his girlfriend. That's fine. But don't keep talking to me! You're dating a girl in HIGH school! She just finished her freaking junior year! I mean, I know I'm only two years older than she is, but you're 24! Those two years are a big difference according to the law! You blew it! Leave me alone!
Second of all, don't try to get into my pants and then act all caring and then don't give a fuck the next day, and then suddenly be interested the next. Not cool. I don't like games, mister, and I'm NOT about to indulge for you. You're not that good-looking to begin with. I happened to just like you, because you're really freaking cool. Unless you want in my pants! I've known you for 5 freaking years! And you want to forget that so I could wear your boxers the next day! Fuck that! I'm keeping my pants on! When you grow up, gimme a call and we'll hang out. Other than that, I'm going to keep the color of my underwear to myself, thanks.
And THIRD of all, we broke up! Go away! I TRIED to be your friend and you neglected to feed my pet that you said you'd take care of and KILLED it! And then you left my best friends mom's rental trailer a MESS with animal feces EVERYWHERE and holes in the wall from your stupid tantrums and then you stiffed her for rent all while trying to guilt me into getting back with you. No sir! And then you have the nerve to try to contact me after MONTHS of not talking? No! Just... stop calling/texting/myspacing me. I'm not interested! We're not happening! Get over it and MOVE ON!
Most of the guys in my life are great and one is even showing me something that I'm interested in. (Don't think dirty, I'm not talking about his penis.) But some of you guys, what the FUCK are you thinking? I mean... talk or something? Or even LISTEN?! Jesus, you're so dense it freaks me out! And I'm frustrated. Grrrrrr.
If you have a penis, you don't have to approach with caution. But you must approach with intelligence. If I look mad, chances are, I'm mad. If I'm not talking to you, I probably have a problem with you. Ask what's wrong or back the fuck off. If I say "fuck off" then I mean "FUCK OFF" with THREE exclamation points. Like this: FUCK OFF!!!
I know, my "creative" language shows lack of vocabulary. Actually it shows apparent rage. So just give me a break please. If I have to alter my estrogen enchanced reactions so that I'm not so confusing, then you have to be understanding too. Why, oh why can't I just find somebody normal to talk to.
Thank you, God, for video games.
First of all, I was interested. You were really nice and I'm sorry I had to leave. Plus you never asked me out to begin with. You just told me you had a good time and that we should do it again. I said "Yeah! That would be great!" That should tell YOU that I would have been interested, yeah? So I leave for a few weeks and you keep myspacing me. That's cool, whatever. I figured if you were still interested when I got home, you'd ask or something. Instead you start actually dating someone else and THEN you ask my brother to go on a double date with you with him and his girlfriend. That's fine. But don't keep talking to me! You're dating a girl in HIGH school! She just finished her freaking junior year! I mean, I know I'm only two years older than she is, but you're 24! Those two years are a big difference according to the law! You blew it! Leave me alone!
Second of all, don't try to get into my pants and then act all caring and then don't give a fuck the next day, and then suddenly be interested the next. Not cool. I don't like games, mister, and I'm NOT about to indulge for you. You're not that good-looking to begin with. I happened to just like you, because you're really freaking cool. Unless you want in my pants! I've known you for 5 freaking years! And you want to forget that so I could wear your boxers the next day! Fuck that! I'm keeping my pants on! When you grow up, gimme a call and we'll hang out. Other than that, I'm going to keep the color of my underwear to myself, thanks.
And THIRD of all, we broke up! Go away! I TRIED to be your friend and you neglected to feed my pet that you said you'd take care of and KILLED it! And then you left my best friends mom's rental trailer a MESS with animal feces EVERYWHERE and holes in the wall from your stupid tantrums and then you stiffed her for rent all while trying to guilt me into getting back with you. No sir! And then you have the nerve to try to contact me after MONTHS of not talking? No! Just... stop calling/texting/myspacing me. I'm not interested! We're not happening! Get over it and MOVE ON!
Most of the guys in my life are great and one is even showing me something that I'm interested in. (Don't think dirty, I'm not talking about his penis.) But some of you guys, what the FUCK are you thinking? I mean... talk or something? Or even LISTEN?! Jesus, you're so dense it freaks me out! And I'm frustrated. Grrrrrr.
If you have a penis, you don't have to approach with caution. But you must approach with intelligence. If I look mad, chances are, I'm mad. If I'm not talking to you, I probably have a problem with you. Ask what's wrong or back the fuck off. If I say "fuck off" then I mean "FUCK OFF" with THREE exclamation points. Like this: FUCK OFF!!!
I know, my "creative" language shows lack of vocabulary. Actually it shows apparent rage. So just give me a break please. If I have to alter my estrogen enchanced reactions so that I'm not so confusing, then you have to be understanding too. Why, oh why can't I just find somebody normal to talk to.
Thank you, God, for video games.
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