Stuck In Limbo

On My Way

2007-12-16T00:46:00.000-08:00

I swear, I have the attention span of a worm with a mental condition and a concussion (I don't think that's even possible...) And I've been eating non-stop since I got home. Know where I went? A restaurant. Life's ironic.

I haven't blogged in awhile. To all my readers, most of whom don't exist: Hi. That's all I got at the moment.

I'm leaving in about 37 hours to go to D.C. Monday afternoon at 3:45. And I wish that I wouldn't let everything catch up to me. "Make the best of what you have, Hannah." That's what I keep telling myself. So why am I still letting myself get overwhelmed? Why am I not the amazing person that everyone thinks I am? I'm human and I guess I should embrace it.

An old friend from high school just told me that he always wanted to ask me out, but always thought he'd be rejected. No one ever asked me out in high school. And now I have too much going on in my "love" live (funny name, at the moment) to even begin to want to bring someone into it. Timing is everything nowadays.

I think I'm going to go to sleep. I hope I can enjoy it. I've been thinking too much.

I know who ate all the crackers...

2007-11-27T22:45:00.000-08:00

So, I'm making the best of my less-than-perfect situation. Mainly because my situation is never perfect. And realizing this is the first step in my "Get over your idealism" one-person seminar.

Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I have no money. And when I say none, I'm exaggerating beyond belief but not really because I only have about $100 in the bank. But I can't be more specific than that. What's a girl to do for Christmas presents?

"I. O. U's" and lots of them.

And I'm the one who ate all the crackers. I owe my roommate four boxes.

He who controls the past, controls the future - Opinion

2007-11-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

He who controls the past, controls the future - Opinion

Handcuffed to dumb thoughts

2007-10-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Manswers, I just learned to break out of handcuffs... and that it's virtually impossibly to burst boob implants.

Oh, the litany of occasionally useful information. I have the urge to buy a fake tata and play hot potato with it now... though I doubt I'd ever find a partner who'd be terribly interested in something like that. But hey, I'm an optimist.

So anyhoob, I dropped a class so now I'm down to 12 hours. I know, irresponsible. But it's better than failing. I'll have to make up for it next semester and during the summer. And working... all the time. Everything's okay, though, for the most part.

Although, human interactions have me frazzled. My FWB (for those of you who can't figure out what that is, then crawl out from under your rock and google it) has me running in circles. I don't pretend to want anything more than what we have. He's my friend and I care a lot about him. But that's because he's been my friend a lot longer than we've ever... done... anything.

And we're far from exclusive. And I don't get jealous, I'm just worried about my health, so I don't do the proverbial homerun deal. The fact that he respects that speaks volumes and I appreciate it. But I don't think I want more than what it is. And he's scaring me into thinking that maybe he does. But I could be wrong. I could be reading into it too much because I'm far from perfect. I just hate hurting people.

Did you know that almost all handcuff manufacturers use the same key? I mean, is that not stupid? Any moron can walk into a gunshop and buy one and carry it around in their pocket. Big business is comprised of dumbasses.

Thank God their not running the government!

*cough*

Accidents happen... to me.

2007-06-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

So I had a slight car wreck this morning on the way to work. Needless to say... I ended up not going in.

My car is fine, the other lady is fine, her car is not, and I'm not. At least not mentally. I was a blubbering mess on the phone with Mom, telling her what happened and that I was sorry.

Stupid. I'm so freaking stupid. My insurance is now going to have to check my driving record. And see the tickets on my record. That on top of the accident. The premium is going to go through the roof. So basically, I'm screwed.

And my family situation sucks. Bottom line.

It's a long complicated story. But Dad's not talking to my brother, stepmom is not talking to me OR my brother, stepsister is not talking to me or my brother, stepbrother is not talking to my brother and probably not me. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him. So in a few short weeks, my brother, his girlfriend, and I have become an object of despise for my dad and his wife and family.

Bah bah, black sheep. That's us.

And I miss my mom. I just want her to be here so she can cradle me on her couch and let me cry for a few hours. It sounds childish, I know and I don't care. I want my mommy.

I'm so spent. I can't even move an inch right now I'm so drained. I have gotten 3 tickets in the past 2 days and an accident. And then I'm mad at Dad and he's mad at my brother and the circle starts all over again.

We're his kids. He's so infuriating.

I need a valium. Heroin. Something.

Maybe some horse tranquilizers.

I'm going back to sleep.

Human psyche doesn't speak up

2007-06-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if no one had secrets?

I mean, think about it. Everyone would know EVERYTHING. Nothing would be taboo. Everyone would walk around naked (Old people included so think harder before you get excited). And everyone would have the ability to access any information they wanted.

What if the human race didn't have a thing called secrets?

The mystery would go out of life. That's for sure. Secrets are most like a defense mechanism. You have them so you're not completely vulnerable. Judgment is ultimately every humans fear.

And it seems dumb but as I think about it, a bajillion things pop into my head that I would never be able to tell another human being. And most of them deal with my feelings towards other people, usually romantic feelings towards men. It's strange. It seems that is the one area of my life that I'm afraid of judgment.

I'm crazy. Everyone knows that. It's not a secret. But there are so many layers to dig through. You couldn't find all of me in one conversation. There's so much that I get lost digging myself.

I'm usually okay. I wouldn't say that I'm happy but I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. Although I get that way when I'm by myself. I say that I think too much. But that's not really the problem. I think of too many problems that I don't have a solution too. It's crazy.

I have work to do tomorrow. I've got to get a few articles finished for the school newspaper. Shouldn't be too hard.

I've also realized that this blog is like my emotion dump. I'm am only aware of 1 person that ever reads these without me showing them. It's weird. I can say "FUCK YO MAMA" to my best friend and they'd never know. But I'd never do that.

So this blog is pretty much free terrain. I could post anything I wanted in it and not really worry about someone I'm close to seeing it. But I even have secrets from this blog. This blog would never see my innermost layer. Just like most humans wouldn't.

And it's weird. That I have that one restraint knowing that even if just one person read these, I could be judged. And so I refrain just that much more. That's why I'm always so vague. So you know how I feel but you have absolutely no details. All one of you that reads these.

The psyche is so confusing. Even to its owner.

It's upliftingly bizarre.

I'm going to take a sec to be your typical female...

2007-06-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

And complain about guys. Usually, I'm pretty understanding. But Jesus Christ, some guys are just stupid. And I don't understand stupid people so I guess I don't get guys. I do, but these are some real winners.

First of all, I was interested. You were really nice and I'm sorry I had to leave. Plus you never asked me out to begin with. You just told me you had a good time and that we should do it again. I said "Yeah! That would be great!" That should tell YOU that I would have been interested, yeah? So I leave for a few weeks and you keep myspacing me. That's cool, whatever. I figured if you were still interested when I got home, you'd ask or something. Instead you start actually dating someone else and THEN you ask my brother to go on a double date with you with him and his girlfriend. That's fine. But don't keep talking to me! You're dating a girl in HIGH school! She just finished her freaking junior year! I mean, I know I'm only two years older than she is, but you're 24! Those two years are a big difference according to the law! You blew it! Leave me alone!

Second of all, don't try to get into my pants and then act all caring and then don't give a fuck the next day, and then suddenly be interested the next. Not cool. I don't like games, mister, and I'm NOT about to indulge for you. You're not that good-looking to begin with. I happened to just like you, because you're really freaking cool. Unless you want in my pants! I've known you for 5 freaking years! And you want to forget that so I could wear your boxers the next day! Fuck that! I'm keeping my pants on! When you grow up, gimme a call and we'll hang out. Other than that, I'm going to keep the color of my underwear to myself, thanks.

And THIRD of all, we broke up! Go away! I TRIED to be your friend and you neglected to feed my pet that you said you'd take care of and KILLED it! And then you left my best friends mom's rental trailer a MESS with animal feces EVERYWHERE and holes in the wall from your stupid tantrums and then you stiffed her for rent all while trying to guilt me into getting back with you. No sir! And then you have the nerve to try to contact me after MONTHS of not talking? No! Just... stop calling/texting/myspacing me. I'm not interested! We're not happening! Get over it and MOVE ON!

Most of the guys in my life are great and one is even showing me something that I'm interested in. (Don't think dirty, I'm not talking about his penis.) But some of you guys, what the FUCK are you thinking? I mean... talk or something? Or even LISTEN?! Jesus, you're so dense it freaks me out! And I'm frustrated. Grrrrrr.

If you have a penis, you don't have to approach with caution. But you must approach with intelligence. If I look mad, chances are, I'm mad. If I'm not talking to you, I probably have a problem with you. Ask what's wrong or back the fuck off. If I say "fuck off" then I mean "FUCK OFF" with THREE exclamation points. Like this: FUCK OFF!!!

I know, my "creative" language shows lack of vocabulary. Actually it shows apparent rage. So just give me a break please. If I have to alter my estrogen enchanced reactions so that I'm not so confusing, then you have to be understanding too. Why, oh why can't I just find somebody normal to talk to.

Thank you, God, for video games.

Maybe I'll just crawl home.

2007-06-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm not a homely person. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, I realize that. But Jesus on a stick, if you have an extra arm growing out of your torso, please don't assume I'm attracted to you. I know I attract strange guys, I've even dated a few of them. I try to be nice to everyone, I hate hurting people's feelings. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. Especially if you have a 3rd arm.

I've decided that I'm going to draw up a contract. Some of the basic requirements? No third arm. If you drool when you're interested in something, count me out. If your knuckles drag on the floor when you walk and you like to pick bugs out of people's hair, you're better than previous "courters" but no thanks. Speech impediments and mental diseases are negotiable.

I can't get my mind wrapped around the options I might actually have if I opened myself up a little more. I'm sure the possibilities are endless. I'm just afraid of rejection. But I think I'm also afraid of commitment. Having just emerged from a year and a half long relationship months ago. You'd think I could buckle down. But who would want to? I mean... I'm happy and confused at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something and other times, I feel like I might be lucky to be unattached.

A person from my past made a slight reappearance the other night. He texted me. He told me he missed me and still loved me. I've decided where I stand with him. He's not good for me. He was my first serious anything. He's got a special place in my memory, but it's in the past. That's all. It's just a memory. I can't let it be anymore than that. I'm done.

As for other options, I have guy friends who might step up if I decided to follow through with my interests. But the problem is, I have too many of them. That's what is making me so cautious. I keep shifting my attention.

I have a lot of options. Not all of them are that great though. Some of them are. I just don't know which way to go. So I'm just kinda trucking along solo. I don't mind it. I'm sure it could be better but it definitely could be worse.

I'm still thinking about some of the same people.

I get my feelings hurt when I have feelings for people who don't return them. It's a really shitty position to be in. But more than anything, I hate being on the receiving end. I'd rather get turned down 920985093850289509823502983 times before I would ever want to reject a friend, someone I like but not in that way. So I have no hard feelings for people I've liked who didn't return them. Because I understand that you can't make yourself like somebody. It still hurts though.

Anyway. I'll be home on Saturday. Maybe I'll just crawl home. It would give me more time to clear my head than flying. Plus there would be less mean flight personell to deal with. They're all assholes.

I've got a whisper in my hand, though. I can't seem to let it go just yet.

If I could read minds...

2007-06-06T22:56:00.001-07:00

I'd be RICH from blackmailing.

I'm kind of glad people can't read minds, though. I mean, I know some people say they can, but I haven't had a thought that I wanted to keep to myself slip out into the mainstream. So those psychics are either fakes or good secret-keepers.

I don't care either way.

Have you ever thought looking at yourself in the mirror? You can never see yourself in the present. You're only ever looking at yourself in the past. If you're looking at a photograph, even if it was taken seconds before, you're still looking at yourself as a captured image in the past. And if you're looking in a mirror, the time it takes the light to reflect off of the mirror and present an image back to your eyes, it's fractions of a second later. The image you're looking at is you .0000003943 seconds in the past (I made the number up but you get the idea.)

There are 3 to 4 people stuck in my head daily. One, I think of as probably one of the most trustworthy people I could ever hope to encounter. And he's so stuck and I can't help him. He's almost untouchable. And there's another that I danced with once. And I think about him from time to time. And I wonder if he's going to reappear later and drastically change my life because I get the feeling that he could. He talked to me like a person. Danced with me like I was worth dancing with. He actually asked me, held out his hand. I can't shake his face from my memory. There's another too. He's funny, makes me laugh. And the last? He's someone. The one I think the most about. I don't know what's going on in my head. I hate it. It's like a safari of hormone-less confusion. But I can breathe. That's the best thing. I can feel burdened, but I can breathe.

So I'm okay.

I think.

Just the way it is.

2007-05-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

So I've realized that my main goal in life is to please other people. I don't want this internship. I want out of this state and I want to go back home, get a job, and be a kid for at least a little while longer. I don't mind the responsibility of getting older, I really don't. But I'm kind of hoping there was a better candidate for the position. Apparently I am a strong contender, but is it fair if someone else is just as qualified and wants it more?

I did most of this to make Mom happy. And if I get the internship, I'll take it. Because stuff like that usually doesn't fall into your lap, you know? It's a great opportunity. But I'm a freaking member of Amnesty International and I'd be working for a defense technology firm. Does anyone else see the irony?

Urg. That's a good way to describe how I'm feeling. And as I write this, I can feel days of frustration draining out onto the keyboard and into the monitor. The relief is only temporary, I know, but if someone else gets some kind of amusement from my sporatic thoughts and don't form an eyetwitch, then I don't really mind.

I feel so... not tied down. I feel like I can do whatever I want, almost, except I'll hurt other people in the long run. Mom's got a lot of high hopes for me. And she's trying to present me with opportunities. And I appreciate it but she gets mad when I turn them down. It's not what I want. And I think when I've established myself and I'm not eating dog food and living in a box, she'll see that I'm happy and be okay with it. But I can't stand disappointing people. I feel like a failure. And I hate that.

And have I mentioned how much of a weirdo magnet I am? I get excited when a semi-normal male... even female... expresses an interest in me. Because. That's just it. I have a lot of good guy friends who might take me up on an offer to have sex, but it's not enough. I need to take it easy for awhile but I kind of miss having someone there. But I don't miss it as a whole. I don't miss the person. I don't miss the situation. I don't miss the metaphoric suffocation. But I do miss the affection. But it's a basic human need, I guess it's something you learn to live with.

I'm more than okay. I'm happy. I'm just still bombarded with these thoughts and I'm switching back and forth between introspecting and extraverting. People think I'm weird. No, just complex. I'm more logical and understanding and probably more forgiving than most people you will meet. But what I'm learning is that it is okay to do something that's good for you. And that makes you happy. Because.

That's just the way it is.

The lights are still on...

2007-05-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. I have no clue if anybody reads these. Nor do I really care. The myspace blogs only show 10 at a time and if you delete one then an old blog pops back up to haunt you. Plus, I'm starting to hate myspace anyway. It's not the devil or anything, just his uncle's mama. Tom should be gutted for creating another addiction in the world. Now I'll never be able to hope to be normal.

Anyway, back to my impertinent ramblings. If anybody does read this who knows me personally (which I hightly doubt) I did break up with the boyfriend almost 3 months ago. And I could fucking fly.

He lives in AL near his mom, he doesn't call and tell me he loves me anymore. I feel like I can move on, because he doesn't have his arms wrapped around my ankles anymore. If he's found another reason to live for, more power to him. But I have places I have to go.

Speaking of places, I'm in D.C. again. I just got done with an interview for an internship a couple hours ago and I should hear back from them sometime next week. I think she said Wednesday. And she said I'd start by June 11 if I got the internship. So I can relax for awhile until then. I'll be up here for the whole summer. I should be back sometime in August at the latest.

I'm actually excited about getting back to school. I kind of miss it already. But I think D.C. is a good change of scenery.

I'll be around. Later, anyway.

Can't even escape out of a wet paper bag

2007-02-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

So, school's not a problem for once. I'm actually doing well in all my classes. And I'm pretty happy from time to time. Just not always. And probably not as often as I should be.

So I guess people are right when they say life get's harder as you get older and that's depressing. But I don't envy sheltered people who get everything paid for them. But I do at the same time. Have you ever seen a mentally disabled kid? And I'm not being funny, but sometimes I think I'd like to be that oblivious. To have simple things make me happy or sad. But then I think what I'd be sacrificing. But then I think, I wouldn't know if I never had it.

And I feel stuck. My relationship is starting to borderline that unhealthy stage. He's so clingy sometimes and I love him, I do. But GOD I wish I could breathe! We don't see each other that often but if I stay with him for more than a day than I feel smothered and I can't figure out why. It's driving me nuts. I hear his same stories all the time when he tells them to other people. I know every single last one of his jokes. Most of his new ones come from me.

And he tells me I'm the only reason he's still here. I'm only 18 years old! I don't need to deal with that kind of baggage! I've got college and a future! Like, it's not an option to fail for me. But I feel like I'm trying to drag on with his arms wrapped around my legs while he tells me to keep going. I don't find the same security in our relationship that I used to. I feel like my attention, focus, drive, energy, emotion, love, passion, EVERYTHING that I have should be pointed in the direction that I'm trying to move in. It's not a haven anymore, it's almost a burden and I hate that.

And now I realize that nothing, absolutely nothing is perfect no matter how many years you spend trying to perfect it. And it doesn't matter if something works, it doesn't mean it's going to work forever. And now I realize that I have to be selfish sometimes for my own sanity. Because I keep trying to put his feelings first but I'm suffocating myself at the same time.

I just wish it were easier.

But the longer I wait, the harder it gets.

And that's where life can be so fucking hateful.

Curiousity killed Chastity and then bitch-slapped her mama.

2007-02-16T08:19:00.000-08:00

I went to see Egypt Central play at Thunders on the 9th and I must admit, it was pretty magical. I stole a shotglass and got them to sign it and plus the drummer, Blake, handed out his drumsticks at the end of the show and I snagged one. So that got signed too. And I met the bass player, Joey. He's pretty fucking good. And he's crazy. He jumps around the stage and kicks mic stands into girls' faces. Thank God those girls aren't me. And the lead singer, John, is one of the only white people I know that can pull off eyeliner, dreadlocks, and a bandana. But he was rocking those way before Johnny Depp played a pirate.

So basically they're a collection of pretty hot guys who can play some decent music. And when I say decent, I mean really fucking good.

On the flip side, I might have had the worst night of my life last night.

I worked an 8-hour floorset at bath and body works (WARNING!: If you can avoid it, don't work retail unless you want to get raped by managers and merchandise info.) and I got off at about midnight. And guess what my significant other had been doing? Drinking. A lot. Which is fine, normally. Really I don't care. But he kept me up all night whining about his headache and rolling around the floor and bed, saying "I'm sorry, I drank too much. My head! I'm sorry! I drank, my head, too much. My head, sorry, drank, I'm too much." I got no sleep. The only energy moving my body even an inch is coffee. And lots of it. I will soon begin to spaz out and possibly murder a jagtran driver if they pass by. I just want to make it through my test and one more class. And then I will sleep. A lot. No metaphor. I will just sleep.

Someone will die if this test rapes me.

Playlist mistakes

2007-01-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

I was looking through my media player and I noticed that I don't have much preference when it comes to music. Except that I don't like much country. I was wondering if that's a good thing or not. I like anywhere from Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin to Marylin Manson.

Have you noticed that having a mental illness seems to have become a fad? Like the t-shirts that say "I used to be a schizo... but we're okay now." Seriously though, it's funny. But I have serious problems and fears so I probably won't wear a t-shirt blazoning them to the world. I get stared at enough as it is. I don't even dress funny. I guess I just act weird.

And does my whole generation have ADD or ADHD? I know I do. But seriously, I don't like medication to solve my problems. I don't blame people for taking them, but it's just not for me. I heard somewhere that we're going to be known as the "Short attention-spanned" generation. Every line has their quirks, I guess. I just wonder if my generation will remember theirs.

Anyway, back the music thing. A band I like from Memphis is going to be playing in MS. It excites me, I'll be there. You should be too.

So let's pretend I'm normal...

2007-01-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was trying to write a book but I struggle with it because I have all these insecurities sitting on the page just staring me in the face. First, that sentence could be reworded and then that word isn't right. And then pretty soon I don't have anything. And I challenge myself so freaking much. Seriously, why should I even give a damn? I'm beginning to think that maybe I should give up any and all creative outlets. Because sometimes I just don't think I'm any good at them.

No more pictures, no more stupid poems, no more stories, no more drawing. Because it isn't worth it. What if I'm not any better than every other writer out there? There are so many people that do the things I do and do them well. It's like a generational thing. ADD drives us to do miraculous things that don't seem so miraculous anymore because so many people can accomplish them. And then I feel worthless. And then I feel ashamed. And then I feel like I shouldn't tease myself by thinking that my talent is any better than anyone else's.

So I'll pretend I'm normal. And then I'll get back to that book when my proverbial emotion arteries get clogged up with shit and then explode on somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because I didn't let it go.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Graveyards and Tour Guides

2007-01-04T15:43:00.000-08:00

Ok. Last day in D.C. I get to go home tomorrow. I ate at the Hard Rock Cafe and then I saw the Ford theatre which is where Abe Lincoln got shot in the head. And then I saw the house across the street, which is where he died. So yeah, happy day.

I have at least 100 and something pictures but I'm too lazy to go back and count. The interesting thing about D.C. is that is doesn't belong to a state, it's just a district. And they have to pay taxes like normal citizens but don't get any representation in Congress because they're not part of any state, and only States have representatives in Congress. Does that whole "no taxation without representation" ring a bell? I guess history really does repeat itself.

Also, D.C. is a collection of government buildings and war memorials. So it's all politics and death although I do enjoy the history. By the way, avoid Arlington Cemetery in Virginia if you don't like lots of stories about important historical figures dying told by unenthusiastic tour guides, it's not really a good choice for the mildly to moderately depressed with suicidal tendencies. Not that I would know, I'm just assuming.

Anyway, I'll be home tomorrow.

Wee.

Mumbling Mumbo Jumbo

2007-01-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm stuck in Washington D.C. I get to go home on Friday and then go back to school on Monday. And even though I'm on vacation I still find myself glued to the computer screen at 3:00 in the morning on myspace or writing something in Microsoft Word that will never see another pair of human eyes (unless mom decides to hack my computer but I doubt she's that savvy.)

But I'm still searching for the point of this besides the fact that it's my first entry. I guess I could introduce myself to the world but I doubt the mass population (or at least the users of this site) are ready for such a display of insanity. Introductions always baffle me, because you can't fit enough about yourself into one sentence to warn the person that they might not want to get to close to you, especially when you're hungry or playing a video game. I guess I'll just start with my name.

I'm Hannah.

And now that you have that vital piece of information I think I'm going to stop myself there. Before I divulge anymore jealously guarded secrets or vastly important details of my life.

By the way, have I mentioned that it's 3:00 in the morning and I should really get some sleep? Keep that in mind before you judge too harshly. I think I'm going to bed and wake up tomorrow afternoon.

Vacations are so thrilling. Night!